Diary of an Ordinary Citizen of Camelot
by chibikaty
Summary: The daily insanity of life living in Camelot, through the eyes of a hapless bystander. Camelot really is a very silly place…
1. Chapter 1

**Diary of an Ordinary Citizen of Camelot**

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><p><em>Summary: The daily insanity of life living in Camelot, through the eyes of a hapless bystander. Camelot really is a very silly place…<em>

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><p><em>Disclaimer: I own a computer, and that's all I need to write fanfic.<em>

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><p>Year 1<p>

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><p>Went to Tournament today. Greatest warrior in the land was decided—for the second time this week. King Uther has a lot of tournaments. Seems a little pointless when Prince Arthur keeps winning them all.<p>

Does the King plan to keep holding tournaments until his son loses? Surely that's ridiculous. It's almost like he's trying to get Prince Arthur killed…

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><p>New kid in town, works for physician Gaius. He seems a little lost and confused. I heard from middle cousin Susie that yesterday he tried to stop Prince Arthur from picking on one of the manservants, not knowing that Tam is a hard-core masochist who hangs around nobles just for the abuse.<p>

The boy means well. I'm sure he knows enough to avoid princes from now on.

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><p>Spoke too soon. New boy demonstrated an uncommon lack of sense by saving Prince Arthur's life—in front of Uther no less. Hasn't he heard all the rumors Uther is plotting to kill his son? Everyone knows that royalty always try to kill their sons, and vice versa. Oedipus and all that.<p>

Uther "rewarded" the boy by making him Arthur's servant, which basically doubled his workload as he now has two jobs (he's still working for Physician Gaius) and also puts him directly in the line of fire of the regular attempts on the prince's life. Royals!

(Although it's also possible that King Uther was just taking advantage of the only person in town still too new to know what happened to Arthur's last servant. Prince hasn't been able to persuade anyone in Camelot to take the job since.)

I have five silvers on Merlin not lasting the week. In a fit of compassion, I bet on him running away rather than meeting a miserable end. Just to be cautious, I also put one silver on him being poisoned. It still seemed kinder than some of the bets people were making, about disembowelment, loss of limbs, burned at the stake, defenestration, and so forth. I hear being poisoned is like going to sleep.

Fifth cousin Marv, who runs the betting pool, tried to persuade me to bet on the kid being executed as a sorcerer. He must think I'm a fool. What are the odds of that happening?

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><p>Another tournament. Only excitement was when one knight's shield turned into a snake and tried to eat Prince Arthur. Very ambitious reptile given the prince's body-mass index.<p>

For some reason, magic snakes poofing out of nowhere was not enough reason for Uther to order his guards to jump in and stop the fight. Guess he really is trying to do away his son. Royal families are always trying to kill their relatives or marry them. I think Prince Arthur got the better of that choice.

He's lucky he doesn't have any sisters to marry. They'll probably arrange something with the only other person in Camelot equal to his status: Lady Morgana. What a nice wholesome couple.

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><p>People are falling ill. King Uther blames sorcery—as usual.<p>

The nice thing about blaming sorcery is that you aren't expected to have visible medical symptoms. Half the servants in the castle are "too sick to work." If only I wasn't self-employed! Maybe I should become a maid instead of a seamstress. Then I could get time off whenever Uther goes on a magic craze, which is every other week.

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><p>My half-cousin Merl's girl came by today to pick up her dress after I mended it, told me that she saw the new servant boy making a magic charm last night. We briefly debated whether we should invite him to join the underground society of magical practitioners that sprung up in secret since Uther banned magic and the rest of us decided we weren't doing without healing because he's an idiot.<p>

However, the dumb boy didn't bother to destroy his charm once he was done with it—got a poor maid accused of witchcraft. He's too lacking in subtly for us to take him in. At least he managed to stop the water poisoning and save the girl. He's lucky Uther isn't the sharpest tool in the armory, or this wouldn't have ended as bloodlessly as it did.

Perhaps we'll invite him in on our secrets once he's older and wiser—not that those two always go together. We're still waiting for Gaius to become wise.

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><p>Townsfolk placed our bets on Prince Arthur's inevitable demise today. Marv tried to get me to bet on him dying of natural causes—as if! Marv knows I'm fond of long-shots. But instead, I'm the only one who bet on Arthur killing Uther instead of the other way around. The pot has reached a hundred gold. Come on, Arthur, patricide my way to a new house!<p>

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><p>Lost my bet on Merlin leaving in a week, but won my bet on him being poisoned. His survival changes nothing—the court of crones upheld my claim to the pot.<p>

My next bet will be on him and Lady Morgana having a torrid affair. Everyone thinks I'm a fool, but they don't know what I'm really betting on. Life around Camelot is such a farce, it's inevitable that the serving boy ends up with the noble. And what other eligible nobles are there in the castle? Uther?

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><p>New knight Lancelot is a hottie. Also, not a noble. Nine-tenths of the women in the castle were very happy to find out that he was thus eligible for marriage to a commoner. (The other one-tenth are gay.)<p>

Alas, King Uther was not so amused that a commoner had beaten all his knights into the ground. Pretended he was upset at being lied to not just embarrassed, and had the hottie thrown into a dungeon.

I know of at least fifty women between the ages of sixteen and nineteen and half planning to sneak in with a key and release him. Unfortunately, Prince Arthur released him first.

Bet Arthur is gay.

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><p>King Uther sent his son out to fight a griffon, despite knowing full well that they can only be killed by magic. His attempts as son-icide get less subtle all day.<p>

I don't think I got that word right. What do you call it when someone attempts to off their offspring? Reverse patricide? I'm surprised the nobles don't have a word for it. With the way they go at it, I'd expect them to have a word for every type of relative-slaying in existence.

Killing your nephew: second degree son-cide. Offing your aunt: patri-fratricide for your father's sister, matri-fratricde for your mother's sister. Smothering your cousin: one-quarter fratricide. Doing away with your grandfather: patricide once removed.

The possibilities are endless.

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><p>Griffon conveniently dead. Credit went to that hottie Lancelot, but I doubt the beast fell over dead from his jailbait-ness. That servant of Arthur's couldn't be less subtle if he ran around the castle screaming "burn me at the stake!"<p>

I should have taken Marv's bet on Merlin's death-by-execution when I had the chance. Odds have changed now, I'd make barely any profit at all.

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><p>Creepy guy with burned face showed up, claimed that the court physician Gaius is incompetent, and that he was so <em>reluctant <em>to impugn his colleague's reputation, and even more _reluctant _to take over his job.

I haven't heard a whopper that big since my second-cousin-once-removed Maud tried to claim all those men were coming over to her place for exciting games of bridge. Wonder if Uther will merely throw this fellow out or put him in the dungeon for his obviously transparent plot against the crown?

No, for some reason Uther decided to believe a complete stranger over his oldest advisor. This is why he has no friends.

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><p>Ridiculously transparent doctor-slash-sorcerer dead, Uther alive, Gaius back as court physician. Not sure how that happened—but no one in Camelot is placing any bets on <em>Uther <em>being the one to uncover the truth. That only leaves Gaius' irrational loyalty, dumb luck, or his son's manservant saving the king's bacon again.

Alas, I suppose if Uther's stupidity was capable of killing him, it would have done so already. Stupidity, you gave it a valiant effort.

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><p>Caught Arthur sneaking out of the castle with the new guest Lady Sophia. Maybe he's not gay after all.<p>

He returned covered in water and mud—without the lady and with his servant boy. His sexuality is still in question, but I suspect he's into _something_ kinky.

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><p>Bad business in town. Nasty stories about that creepy druid molesting that kid he claims is his "son." Naturally, the magical Underground took the steps for turning him over to Uther as a sorcerer.<p>

We would have recovered the boy safely and fostered him off (after the therapy) if Arthur's dolt of a servant hadn't interfered.

But at least the kid made it out of the city safely. I hope he doesn't turn into one of those kids who let a life of mistreatment corrupt them and turn them deranged. I've seen the cycle of abuse too many times.

Bet he comes back and burns Camelot to the ground someday. Hah hah.

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><p>Undead zombie knight defeated. It didn't manage to kill <em>all<em> the knights of Camelot, not for lack of trying on Uther's part. I got its glove as a souvenir!

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><p>Prince Arthur rode back from his hunt with a unicorn's horn. Several individuals around the castle have speculated on what this suggests about his "experience," if you know what I mean. However, I can testify with my own eyes on several amorous encounters with both genders. Okay, I didn't see anything personally, but one can read between the lines. Instead, I imagine Arthur was lying about catching the unicorn.<p>

Horn later mysteriously vanished 24 hours later, unicorn sighted again. Knew it.

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><p>Morgana tried to kill Uther, and stabbed an assassin going after him instead. Why can't the nobility of Camelot do anything right?<p>

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><p>Prince Arthur had a fatal injury. He got better. Should have known that anything with as silly a name as the "Questing Beast" couldn't actually kill anything. Too many people are attempting to return the black funeral clothing they brought from me. I pointed out that he was bound to die sooner or later, but they were not impressed.<p>

Questing beast, unicorns, and zombies, all in one week!

I'm reconsidering living in Camelot. It's a very silly place.

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><p>End of the year count:<p>

Number of tournaments in Camelot: 62

Number of attempts to kill Uther: 273

Number of times Uther walked straight into an attempt to kill him and had to be rescued: 273

Attempts (by Uther, we all know) to kill Arthur: 1372

Number of times Arthur's servant saved his life without him noticing: 999

Number of times someone used magic in front of Uther without him noticing: 1,677,988


	2. Chapter 2

**Diary of an Ordinary Citizen of Camelot**

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><p>Year 2<p>

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><p>Exciting day in Camelot! Uther found ancient tomb of evil sorcerer with cursed treasure. How do we know it's cursed? Because his most trusted advisor told him! Alas, Uther ignored him...again.<p>

Funny how he's willing to send his own son to fight an un-killable beast because he won't use magic, but is cheerfully willing to pretend the magic doesn't exist if it will get him gold. Royals today—no family values.

This can't end well. The Underground is preparing for a magical attack. Also, I put two coppers on Uther sending Arthur to the front lines once the trouble starts (not much money there as no one is willing to bet against.) Also, five silvers on Merlin trying to defeat the sorcerer by himself. Come on, Merlin, I need a new dress!

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><p>Next day: my mad betting skills pay off again! But can't help wishing I had bet on Merlin DEFEATING the evil sorcerer (I thought he was going to be beaten like a furry rodent in a game of whack-a-mole). I would have been able to buy a dress AND a horse.<p>

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><p>Another tournament. Another assassin trying to kill Arthur during the tournament. Uther actually expects us to believe that some <em>other <em>king hired the assassin. Hah.

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><p>Today, my second biggest brother Jake tried to place a bet on Uther not actually trying to kill Arthur, but rather doing everything he does out of a kind of benign neglect. Sending him out into the front lines of every battle while he sits behind castle walls? Allowing fights-to-the-death in all the tournaments he forces Arthur to enter? Choosing to believe total strangers over his son in life-or-death situations? Trying to get him to drink a glass of wine after he was told it was poisoned? Abandoning to die the servant who saved Arthur's life, thus demonstrating to everyone in Camelot that trying to save the prince is a good way to get killed, ensuring that Arthur will have no one to save him from the next assassin? Sending him after a monster that can only be killed by magic while forbidding him to use magic? Sending him on pointlessly dangerous quests to prove himself? Throwing him in a rat-infested dungeon at the smallest excuse? These are all great ways to prepare Arthur for kingship (alive).<p>

Even Marv, who is not known for compassion, wouldn't take Jake's money. He was so embarrassed when he woke up the next day with a hangover, that we all decided to never mention it again.

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><p>My middle youngest brother's third boy saw Merlin bringing flowers to Lady Morgana's room. Another victory for me! Did I call it or what?<p>

Cousin Marv won't pay me as he insists I can't prove the flowers weren't "platonic." I'll be talking to his mother about this.

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><p>Morgana disappeared. Couldn't help noticing that Merlin vanished at the same time. Now even Marv had to face reality and fork over the money.<p>

Uther thinks his ward was kidnapped by druids. Is that what they're calling it these days?

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><p>Uther is marrying a woman young enough to be his daughter. By royal standards, this is quite a scandalous match: she doesn't appear to be related to him at all! I thought kings wouldn't look twice at anyone who wasn't at least a cousin.<p>

What will he do next, stop trying to kill Arthur?

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><p>Todd from the stables came over to dish gossip on the new royal couple. King's new bride is a hideous dung eating troll. Perhaps Uther's attraction lies in the fact that he mistook her behavior for that of an inbred royal.<p>

The power of love has graced Camelot with…a tax rate of 100%. Yes, Uther has demanded that we turn over every speck of gold, silver, and copper in our possession. Even the bits in Old Man Bacy's teeth.

This tyranny cannot be tolerated. Try to burn us all at the stake for our inborn talents, that's just a little bit of fun. Try to take our gambling funds? The Underground is on the move.

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><p>It appears that the King's newfound ability to look beyond a woman's appearance and find true love has not made him any less stupid. Otherwise, he should realize that demanding that the same guards who collect his everything-you-own tax also <em>pay it themselves<em> would not end well.

We've been painting bits of wood yellow and handing it over as tax. The guards just laugh themselves silly and add to the pile.

Prince Arthur interrupted the tax collection yesterday and demanded that all our money be returned. We were all quite put out—that just means we'll have to do it again later. Also, he ruined my heart-rending performance of peasant women handing over the money for grandfather's medicine. He has as little appreciation of thespian art as his father

Oddly, Uther has yet to notice anything. Perhaps he's gone blind, that would explain the troll bride.

My step-aunt's second youngest daughter Sarah Anne, who cleans the castle, has started snitching small things just to see if he will notice. When he didn't, everyone started doing it. I have a brand new chandelier in my hut.

Best. Tax season. Ever.

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><p>News from the palace: Uther has apparently killed his new wife. No one is supposed to talk about it. Perhaps his poor eyesight mistook a sword for a butter knife, and he eviscerated her when she asked him to pass the bread?<p>

On the upside, we're still paying our taxes in wooden coins. The guards have realized that they can't call us on it without explaining to the king about the large pile of kindling already in the treasury. But they cheered up a bit when they realized they could still pay their taxes in wood too.

Did I ever say I didn't like living in Camelot? I love it here!

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><p>Once again, Uther has decided to believe a complete stranger over the word of his oldest friend and advisor. You'd think he'd remember how that turned out last time. And the time before that.<p>

This time it's a self-styled witch-hunter. I would be worried but the word on the Underground has it that the last time a witch-hunter caught a real witch, it was fifty years ago and he thought she was his fairy godmother. We'll just let him bumble around a bit—as long as he doesn't look outside Uther's castle folk it's none of our concern.

I don't know—when my niece's middle girl Tracia told me she saw a magic horsie in the smoke, I actually believed her. But now I can only conclude that she must have been seeing things. That seems far more likely than Uther being right about something.

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><p>Prince Arthur has an arranged marriage and a fiancé. I caught of glimpse of her when I went to the well to draw water. She had her head stuck down the well and was munching on a frog.<p>

Apparently Uther's bizarre taste in women hasn't changed a bit. His son left the girl at the altar, so I assume _his_ eyes are still in working order.

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><p>One of the servants at Uther's castle has gone missing: a maid named Gwen. It took overturned furniture, a drugged cloth on the floor, and ten witnesses who saw armed men drag her off on a horse before Uther could be convinced that she wasn't just taking a sick day.<p>

He seems remarkably unconcerned that his guards let unknown heavily armed men dragging an unconscious and tied up woman pass through his gate without asking any questions. He also has no intention of looking for her, seeing as she's "just a peasant."

Funny, I thought the entire point of having a city guard was so they could police crime. Like, say _kidnapping_. But apparently that only counts for the nobles in Camelot—all three of them. The rest of the city could be overrun with murder, theft, and rape and Uther wouldn't care at all.

What do we pay taxes for? Oh, right, we don't pay taxes anymore. I suppose we'll have to form our own police force, hire a few lads, and pay them from a communal fund. While we're at it, we might as well set up our own courts. And we'll need a leader to be in charge of all this—perhaps we should elect someone?

Not sure what purpose Uther serves now that we're running Camelot ourselves. I suppose he's a constant source of entertainment.

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><p>Prince Arthur is going on a quest to find the trident of the Fisher King, and win the respect of the people. Which people, I'm not sure. I asked around, and my neighbor Mol and Teddy across the street and Goodwoman McMenner (who came over to gossip) all agreed that we didn't really care whether Arthur found an oversized fork or not, nor would it make us any more likely to give him real money for taxes someday. Arthur can have fun with that, then.<p>

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><p>Strange woman came to city, challenged Prince Arthur to a fight. It's so sad how he still doesn't realize that his father is hiring all these people to kill him. Someone ought to warn him. I would, but Marv would claim I was trying to rig the pot on Arthur's untimely demise. I still have hopes Arthur will make me a rich woman by realizing on his own that he really should kill Uther.<p>

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><p>Arthur almost killed Uther! I got the word straight from my second cousin's son Errol, who works in the guard. He's not sure what happened but they both lived.<p>

I suggested to Marv that my bet was half-right (since Arthur _tried_) so I should get half the pot, but I knew he wouldn't buy it. Perhaps I should bribe Errol to teach Arthur how to swing a sword and not miss.

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><p>Merlin now dating a werewolf. I swear, we could devote a gossip magazine to that boy's life.<p>

Marv wants me to give him back his money, but I only bet on one fling with Morgana, not a permanent relationship.

I think my next bet will be on Prince Arthur and Lady Morgana's maid. This noble-servant dynamic seems to be pretty popular in Camelot.

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><p>Arthur madly, mindlessly, head-over-heels-stupid in love with visiting Lady Vivian. I lost three silvers. Marv won't tell me who won the bet, which probably means the house kept it. I can't see anyone betting on Arthur falling for someone both attractive<em> and<em> of noble blood. He certainly doesn't take after his father in taste for women.

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><p>My eldest brother's fifth son caught Arthur and Gwen kissing as he was fetching some food for some of the guests at the duel. Knew it!<p>

Seeing how Arthur was fighting a duel for Vivian's love at the time, that rotter Marv wouldn't acknowledge that I won the bet. But he did have to give up his prize. All the money went to Hana the Baker, who bet on Arthur being a playboy.

I'm putting another bet on Arthur and Gwen. I'm sure I was right last time, I just can't prove it.

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><p>Lady Morgana secretly a kleptomaniac, stole valuable crystal. My youngest niece Marla won two silvers from the "Insanities of the Inbred" betting pool. And she's only seven years old! That girl takes after my side of the family.<p>

Uther send his son to look for some undead knights who came back from the grave to destroy Camelot. His attempts to become childless become ever more transparent.

What do you call a father who's lost all his children? A reverse orphan?

Also, I slept clean through half the day yesterday. I must have been more tired than I realized. Luckily, no one else seemed to have noticed. I'm too embarrassed to talk about it.

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><p>City attacked by a dragon. I summoned up my courage and put ten silvers on Merlin killing it. I'm not missing out on another big one like the incident with Cornelius Sigan; this time I'm following my instincts.<p>

Little Tom followed the knights into battle against the dragon to keep the rest of us posted.

The Underground would kill the dragon ourselves, but there is too much money riding on this. I suppose if the giant lizard offs Uther than we'll be forced to handle it ourselves. And Marv will collect all the betting money! The horrors!

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><p>Merlin actually a dragonlord! I thought I had the pot in my hands.<p>

Alas, someone else really did bet on "the dragon lives and goes away without killing anyone."

Marla offered to share the money with me, as I was half right. But I can't take charity from a child.

At this rate, that girl will be rich enough to marry Arthur by the time she grows up. Maybe I should make a bet...

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><p>End of the year count:<p>

Number of times Uther falsely accused someone of magic: 339

Number of times Uther accused a real sorcerer of magic, but not of a piece of magic that person actually did: 499

Number of magical creatures to infiltrate Camelot: 123

Number of times Arthur ignored his father's orders: 64

Number of times when someone had a quasi-romantic moment with Arthur: 8 to 504*

Number of bets placed on Arthur's love-life: 866

Estimated destruction likely to be caused to Camelot in the form or bankruptcy, broken hearts, and riots if/when Arthur finally does settle on a romantic partner: E = M C squared

*This number is under fierce debate as to whether people with bets at stake qualify as reliable witnesses, whether multiple 'moments' in the same conversation can be counted separately, whether non-heterosexual moments count for two points, whether Arthur and his sword is a valid pairing, and whether to count the quasi-romantic moment you think you had with Arthur when he happened to glance your way, you know who I'm talking about ladies.


	3. Chapter 3

**Diary of an Ordinary Citizen of Camelot**

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><p>Year 3<p>

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><p>Lady Morgana has been missing for a year! Uther is only getting around to looking for her now. He couldn't treat her any worse if she was his secret daughter.<p>

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><p>Morgana came back on her own, now plotting to kill Uther (and who can blame her?)<p>

She thinks she's being subtle, but when the guard at the gate asks you why you're leaving Camelot, you really shouldn't give your name as "Totally not Lady Morgana" and your business as "mischief, magic, and murder." Does that girl think she's staring in a tragicomedy or a farce?

Someone ought to take her in hand, but the Underground doesn't truck with nobles. They're too prone to getting us involved in wars and, worse, silliness.

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><p>Physician Gaius has started selling "special remedies" around town. If they're magic, he may be undercutting the Underground's business. This deserves investigating...and a polite warning before we send someone to break his legs.<p>

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><p>Gaius was possessed by a goblin. Broke its legs instead.<p>

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><p>My brother-in-law Carl came by yesterday to get me to mend his trousers. Claimed that a crazy kid started a barfight, spilled beer on him.<p>

Also, word on the street has it that crazy kid had his tab paid by Prince Arthur, and everyone knows what skinflints the Pendragons are.

Rumors are flying. Does this Gwaine have some dirt on the prince? Is he a royal spy? Arthur's long-lost bastard brother? The real prince switched at birth? Or just the prince's new squeeze?

I suspect the latter. I'm not sure enough to put money on it, but...something about Arthur seems gay to me. Or at least bi-curious.

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><p>Hot new word on the street! Rumor has it that Morgana is Uther's daughter. For someone telling his physician a "secret" the king really should have chosen a more private place. Instead, Merlin, Morgana, and a gardener named Tim all heard every word. From there, it was all over town by nightfall. It's like that time Uther thought nobody knew he was bald all over again.<p>

I've made a grave miscalculation. Should have bet on Arthur marrying Morgana. Now that they're brother and sister, it's inevitable that Uther will try to pair them off (royalty and Uther's sense of judgment being what they are.)

Oh, and Morgana had Uther laid out in front of her unconscious, held a knife over his head...and missed. Just like last time she tried to kill him. She has worse aim than Arthur—but more persistence.

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><p>Prince Arthur left on "mysterious trip" with the maid Guinevere. Not enough evidence for me to claim victory yet, but I knew I was on to something. For some reason, they brought Merlin along. Wonder what that says about Arthur's inclinations?<p>

Oh, and I heard Morgana snuck out with them too. Must have been a wild night.

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><p>The party came back with Gwen's…brother. I strongly hope that she and Arthur aren't bonding over a shared love of incest.<p>

My half-step-sister-in-law Velma suggested that Arthur might not know that Morgana is his sister. Is she nuts? Who in Camelot doesn't know that? Next you'll be telling me he has no idea about her visions of the future or her slight tendency towards pyromania.

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><p>Hot gossip! Physician Gaius—of all people—was spotted late at night visiting an attractive woman healer of similar age. What is Camelot to make of this? Was it a simple visit between colleagues, or much more?<p>

The plot thickens. Mystery woman has moved into Gaius' house. And a few neighbors are comparing her age and appearance to a woman who was once engaged to be married to the physician before her mysterious disappearance. Could this be the same woman? What caused secrets lie behind their separation? Is Merlin their long-lost son?

Oh, and Gaius' new girlfriend tried to kill Uther. But really, who hasn't tried to kill Uther?

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><p>I am the proud new owner of a new horse! I'm going to name him Arthur, Prince for short. Why? Because his royal highness is the one responsible for my good fortune!<p>

Word is all over Camelot that he was caught having a romantic picnic with a certain maid named Gwen. Since I placed a bet on her long ago, the pot on Arthur's love life is now mine!

Uther promptly tried to have the maid burned at the stake. The man is such a kill-joy.

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><p>The once-a-year-no-holds bar tournament is today. Sadly, no one wants to bet on that. Why? Because Uther always participates, and he always wins.<p>

Not because he has any actual skill. No, once he starts losing, he gets that murderous look on his face, and his opponent remembers that he's facing a king who has a reputation for being execution-happy. The sensible choice is obvious.

This time, his own son threw the fight to him. It was the most pathetic thing I've ever seen.

Followed by the second most pathetic thing I've ever seen: in the final, Uther fought a sorcerer-boy who outmatched him in every way possible. At least the kid was actually trying to win, but Uther was victorious thanks to the intervention of his son's servant (like I said; only being saved by his son could have been lamer.)

I felt terribly sad for the poor boy, and I wanted to take him aside and tell him it wouldn't have done any good to win. The only reason why Uther offers a hundred gold for winning the tournament is because he never has to pay it.

He doesn't even have a hundred gold coins. His treasury is full of yellow wood.

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><p>Prince Arthur left Camelot today, on a quest for the Holy Grail or the Cup of Life or whatever it is they're calling it now.<p>

It's supposed to be a "secret" quest, but Uther is under the illusion that as long as the servants who stand around his throne room keeping the candles lit don't speak, they don't actually exist.

But then, when people (Merlin, you unsubtle soul) wander around the town marketplace talking about magic, he never notices that either. Honestly, he wouldn't recognize magic if it entered one of his tournaments and tried to hack him up with a broadsword. (_Cough last week cough_.)

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><p>Somehow, within the space of 24 hours Arthur managed to get himself captured as a slave, take a small child hostage, mug some tree-loving pacifists, drop the Grail-thingy off a cliff, and get his entire kingdom taken over by undead zombies.<p>

How do we know all of this? The druids told us while we were hiding out in their cave. Naturally, once we heard of Arthur's quest, the Underground arranged to evacuate Camelot, bringing all residents who didn't buy into Uther's-anti-magic doctrine (which is almost everyone not noble.)

No, we didn't have any idea King Cedric was staging an invasion. But we did know that Uther was planning to keep the Grail in his vault, and given the way that place gets broken into about once a week, it seemed wise to make ourselves scarce of Camelot for a while.

The druids were absolutely lovely and shared their tea, which I myself avoided, knowing full well what they put in there to keep themselves so "mellow." We left the caves once the fighting was over, with no harm done besides a few of our more adventurous members seeing purple unicorns.

* * *

><p>Back in Camelot. Stepped over a few skeletons on my way in the door. (I put this sign outside my cottage saying "property of a witch" but do any of Cedric's thugs take warning?) First order of business was to catch up on gossip.<p>

I was in the tavern, enjoying a little ale after a hard day's work, when my cousin-in-law once removed Tarl stood up on the table and started singing about some story he'd got off a drunk fellow named Gwaine. Between Tarl's incredibly bad singing voice, we some rough notion of _blah blah_ Queen Morgana _blah blah_ massacre of innocents _blah blah_ Leon in a dress _blah blah _zombies went sparkle sparkle boom.

Obviously, we had more important matters on our mind. According to Tarl, Lancelot rushed to Arthur's side to rescue him from danger, just barely beaten to the punch by Arthur's other scandalous love interest Gwen, who was also spotted hugging Gwaine. Could the love triangle actually be a square? Meanwhile, Morgana has been keeping a dozen young and fit Knights of Camelot in her dungeon—could this be why her father has disowned her? We all know that she's just bitter that the one she really wants can never be due to their blood connection: but is she pining for Arthur, Uther, or even Morgause? Only time will tell. Is there any truth to the rumors that Merlin is dating a disembodied ghost in a lake? Is Gaius nursing a secret love for Uther? Where did Arthur find that round table? Inquiring minds in Camelot want to know!

Yeah, and something seems to have happened to Uther. In our dreams, right? Probably another false alarm.

* * *

><p>End of the year count:<p>

Number of people in Camelot who don't know that Merlin is a sorcerer: 4½*

Number of times Camelot has been saved by a servant/commoner/passing Arthur fan-girl: 12,000,001

Number of times Camelot has been saved by a noble: -6**

Number of attempts on Arthur's life by people with grudges against Uther: 56

Number of attempts on Arthur's life that can be somehow linked back to Uther if you look hard enough: 67

Number of attempts on Arthur's life that have nothing to do with Uther: 2

Number of romantic relationships Arthur is maintaining simultaneously: 3.14159***

Number of people who were injured in the deathmatch over the above number: 288

Outstanding value of the Camelot nobles betting pool: 5,809,312 gold, 11 pounds of linen, 12 tons of butter, 8 cows, 2 acres of land, 1 doll (used), and the right to take Farmer Todd's daughter Melly to the Harvest Dance next Tuesday****

* * *

><p>*Arthur only counts as a half because Merlin has used magic in front of him often enough, that if he doesn't know already he never will.<p>

**Placing Camelot on the path to destruction out of sheer stupidity generates a negative point.

***Don't ask. No, seriously, don't ask.

****Assuming the question of whether Arthur's sword is bigger than his father's is settled by the aforementioned date


	4. Chapter 4

**Diary of an Ordinary Citizen of Camelot**

* * *

><p>Year 4<p>

* * *

><p>Arthur hasn't noticed how despite the zombie take-over and Morgana's massacre of citizenry, almost everyone in Camelot is still around. He certainly hasn't noticed that all the Pendragon loyalists were the ones who got themselves killed when they didn't flee to the forest with the rest of us.<p>

Luckily for him, despite his out-moded views on magic, the Underground has a vested interest in keeping him on the throne. He's fueling up to fifteen betting pots.

* * *

><p>Uther was completely defeated, in the hands of the person who wants the most to kill him in the entire world, and now apparently comatose—but he still isn't dead. There is really only one rational explanation for this: he's a zombie.<p>

His 'differently alive' state is the only way to justify how he's survived so many attempts on his life. Currently, King Arthur has him locked up in his room, and he seems to be in a placid state. But first sign of him biting anyone, and we'll have no choice but to bring out the torches and pitchforks. Nothing to ruin a perfectly good Camelot like a brain-eating plague of zombies.

* * *

><p>Horrible day for Camelot! The barriers between worlds have been breached! Doom is upon us!<p>

Why, just the other day, I was bringing a basket of mended clothing to one of my best customers (Goodwife Sulla, has twelve kids and all of them boys, who can be counted on to rip, stain, or set fire to at least one piece of clothing a day) when someone knocked into me and set me flying.

It was—a stranger. Someone I never met before. Someone who wasn't a cousin or a step or even an old neighbor. A complete and utter stranger, walking around my Camelot! When he told me he had walked fifty miles from the country, naturally I hit him over the head with my basket and ran for my life.

I was lucky. Others have attempted communication, and fled in tears. These people don't understand that nobles in Camelot aren't to be bothered with anything important, are actually upset by random displays of magic, and worst of all, someone told my second youngest half-sister Maura that her searching Prince Arthur's dirty laundry for clues as to his romantic affairs was "kind of creepy."

Also, the dead have risen and haunt the streets of Camelot as howling shades.

Somehow, this is all Uther's fault.

* * *

><p>Was deeply traumatized today by three strange children barging into my house. Did not think that "being chased by floating skulls" was much of an excuse for not even knocking.<p>

Not my fault that they found my sorcerous work bench. Their reaction was completely disproportionate to their findings—aren't children supposed to like bugs?

Also not my fault they ran out into the walking graveyard and almost got Sir Percival killed. Even so, my involvement in his near-death is a strict secret from his fan girls. (They are few in number but terrifying beyond measure.)

* * *

><p>Lancelot is dead! Why, cruel gods, why! Never again will any girl be able to follow him around Camelot, steal pieces of his hair and anything small he leaves lying about, or spy on him through that crack in the men's bath.<p>

Those last two were Sarah Anne, by the way, not me. I was appalled by her behavior and only accepted half of Lancelot's hat as a bribe for silence in order to keep it safe from whatever she might plan to do with it. You can't choose your family, after all.

The walking dead are gone, but it wasn't worth it.

* * *

><p>The full story of Lancelot's death was revealed courtesy of Tarl, drinking buddy of Sir Gwaine. Such a sad story of sacrifice and true love. I can't even be smug about how Lancelot's decision to sacrifice himself reveals his true feelings for his liege Arthur. Marv refused to pay out anything on the betting pool due to ambiguity about the knight's motives (he could have been in love with Merlin), but I didn't have the heart to argue with the skunk.<p>

Little Marla bet her dolly and every bit of her 30 silvers in savings on Lancelot turning up again. Poor girl hasn't learned how to separate her heart from her head in betting.

* * *

><p>The circus came to Camelot!<p>

Not surprisingly, the circus tried to kill Prince Arthur. But really, the only visitors to Camelot who don't try to kill Arthur are the ones too busy trying to kill Uther.

This lot was almost certainly hired by King Uther. Don't think the citizens of Camelot didn't notice him laughing and cheering as knives were thrown at his son. He's abandoned all pretense of subtly.

* * *

><p>Word on the street has it that Uther went nuts and attacked someone. For zombies, it's always only a matter of time.<p>

Myself and the rest of Camelot gathered around the castle today with candles. If Arthur can't bring himself to do the right thing and put his father down, we'll have no choice but to storm the place with fire and pitchforks. Once a zombie has eaten its first brain, it becomes a danger to all the living.

* * *

><p>Arthur's dim-witted servant tried to sneak past the mob yesterday disguised as an old man. He seemed to think that if he had his cloak over his head, we couldn't see him.<p>

Or maybe he just thinks everyone is as oblivious as Arthur. Honestly, why is our prince going out to the forest looking for a sorcerer when one in every four citizens of Camelot knows a few hedge charms?

Also, Merlin clearly has that aging potion backwards. If the silly boy made it a youth potion he could make an absolute fortune selling it. He'd be rich enough to pay Arthur to clean his boots—the prince will need the money. It's only a matter of time before the stores stop taking Camelot's credit, and once Prince Arthur opens Camelot's vault, he's in for a nasty surprise. The termites got in last week.

* * *

><p>Uther's funeral was today. A quiet and sedate ceremony to the tune "Ding-Dong the Wicked Witch is Dead."<p>

Prince-turned-King Arthur put out the story that he was wounded heroically saving his son's life, and then poisoned by a sorcerer. We all assumed that he was just trying to save face since zombification is not a proper royal way to die. However, he took a moment to thank the citizens of Camelot for their touching candlelight vigil, so maybe he is that dumb.

At least his sorcerer of a servant seems to have recognized the undead and laid it to rest. Nice job, Merlin.

Third cousin Myrtle says she's not bringing out the special bottle of champagne until it's been confirmed for a full year that Uther won't rise again. Myself, I say the body should have been given the full garlic-silver-and-beheading treatment before burial. Wonder how long until he comes back as a ghost?

* * *

><p>Camelot's castle is a disgraceful ruin and no one seems to care. Merlin is the only person who is even bothering to investigate our infestation of wood worms. It's a pity the poor sweet boy keeps looking around King Arthur's bedroom instead of down in the wine cellars were the nest is, but it's the thought that counts.<p>

* * *

><p>One-Nosed Tom spotted a dragon's egg peeking out of Merlin's backpack today. Oh, and my third littlest cousin Suzie heard him singing to it as he walked home. Who does the silly boy think he is, the last Dragonlord? Oh, and I suppose he thinks that it's the last dragon egg too.<p>

That drunk sot Ashkanar was always trying to make himself sound more important than he actually was, going on about his mystical tower and his magical egg. Someone ought to tell Merlin about the five score other dragon eggs scattered around Camelot.

Why, I myself have my own dragon egg, passed down to me by my mother, and her mother before her, and her mother, and her mother, etc.

It has a nice pointy shape, so I use it as a hat stand.

* * *

><p>Arthur beheaded a foreign king today, claimed that it would show "the people" he had strength. Speaking of as one of the people, I think it would have been smarter to hold the king hostage so they can't attack us again, but hey, I'm just a seamstress.<p>

Guardsman Errol spotted the King sneaking out at night that evening, naturally followed him (Arthur's love life is all of Camelot's business). Overheard him breaking up with that maid Gwen, because the people wouldn't approve of their relationship. Honestly, the nobility of Camelot are always talking about what "the people" want. Have they ever asked us? Taken a poll?

I took a survey at my weekly sewing bee. Result: 25% of the people of Camelot think Arthur should marry Gwen: because they look good together, because it's romantic like Cinderella, or because they have money riding on it. About 15% want Arthur and Gwaine to be together, 5% Arthur and Percival, 5% Arthur and Lancelot (Lancelot used to be much higher, before he died. But there are still a few hanger-ons who want Arthur to stay chaste and true to Lancelot for the rest of his life, and a strong sect who vote for vampire!Lancelot). A few fringe crazies suggested Arthur, Gwen and her brother Elyan, which led to a number of threesomes I refuse to list. Oh, and an astonishing 54% are rooting for Arthur and his servant. Finally, about 75% voted for Arthur X Themselves.

If you're wondering about the overlap, many voted for more than one category.

Hm. If Arthur wants to please the people of Camelot, he's going to need to start a harem.

* * *

><p>Arthur and the knights of Camelot marched off to war. Marched back a few days later, claiming victory. Does he think we're idiots? What kind of war ends with no one dead? Bet "marching to war" is just a code name for "went out boozing and gambling."<p>

* * *

><p>My half cousin's stepbrother Brad found his pig poisoned today, after eating the dinner Arthur's servant prepared. The obvious conclusion: Merlin tried to kill the king. But really, who in Camelot hasn't tried to kill the king, been accused of trying to kill the king, or foiled a plot against the king at some point or another? Now Merlin has done all three. Very precocious, that boy.<p>

No one really sees any need to report this to the authorities.

* * *

><p>King Arthur came to the tavern today. Looking for his servant Merlin, who he says has been gone two days. Why was he looking here? I've never seen Merlin drink. He looks underage.<p>

* * *

><p>Very exciting day here at Camelot. Merlin tried to stab Arthur and missed, Morgana tried to stab Merlin and missed, Gaius tried to stab a snake in Merlin's neck and also missed: is there anyone in Camelot who knows how to aim?<p>

Wait, Lord Agravaine tried to stab Gaius in the back and seems to have done a good job of it.

* * *

><p>Lord Agravaine has been skulking around at night. No big surprise he's trying to kill Arthur (let the betting pool begin on how!) But come one, that one was a gimmee. Any time a boy king has an uncle, he's always evil. <em>Especially<em> if he's his only relative.

Ooo, I know what to call it when a royal uncle tries to kill his king/crown prince nephew: predictable-cide.

Ten silvers on him trying to push Arthur off a cliff. The evil uncles, they always try to push you off a cliff.

* * *

><p>The druids' slightly crazy cousins, the Catha, have moved in with them and are driving them crazy. They threw out all the druids' pot-brownies because "your body is your temple" or some other such nonsense. The druids keep dropping by the tavern to complain, and it's getting increasingly hard to hide them from the guard because they insist on wearing these ridiculous robes. Some days I'm actually grateful that most the guards in Camelot aren't too proactive.<p>

On the other hand, may have to agree with the Catha about the druids abusing the magical mushrooms a bit too much. If a single druid had been sober enough to explain to Alator and his friends that Emrys was just a harmless little boy, much trouble would have been avoided.

Instead the Catha got into the mushrooms themselves and ended up pledging allegiance to Arthur's servant boy. The kid is barely out of his teens, and by the time he reaches twenty-five he's going to have such a swollen head…

* * *

><p>Word on the street has Merlin and Gwen snuck out of Camelot together last night. Now there was a couple no one bet on, if only because they seemed so brother-sister. The house made a killing.<p>

* * *

><p>Apparently Merlin was just investigating a strange illness. All the victims were strapping young men last seen in the company of a beautiful and seductive woman called Lamia.<p>

Someone needs to explain to these country hicks what an "STD" is.

* * *

><p>Lancelot is back! Women of Camelot, rejoice. He might not be as fun as Gwaine, but he sure is easy on the eyes.<p>

A sordid love triangle unfolds between Arthur, Gwen and Lancelot. Who will Arthur chose? The scandalous affair with the servant girl or the forbidden love with one of his own knights? Place your bets.

Oh, and Morgana is plotting against the throne again. As if we care. Do I look like I care?

* * *

><p>One of Lancelot's stalkers followed him home last night. Noticed that he seemed to be sleeping upside-down like a bat. Also, not breathing.<p>

Opinions of women in Camelot are mixed. Some would take Lancelot even if he was an undead zombie slave of an evil sorceress. Some are actually hoping he'll try to drink their blood. Myself, I say nothing to do with the undead ever ends well.

On the bright side, at least Uther hasn't come back. Yet.

* * *

><p>The Underground dispatched a vampire slayer after the undead abomination. Alas, Sarah-Anne spent too much time primping in the mirror for Lancelot, not enough time slaying. King's fiancée Gwen took the fall instead.<p>

I think the sweet girl was only going through a phase. All the girls like vampires when they're young. Alas, Gwen's boyfriend reacted like she'd called him "Edward" in bed and dumped her. Poor girl.

Sarah-Anne cried herself to sleep because Lancelot didn't fall madly in love with her and decide to defy destiny in favor of snogging. My dumb cousin is lucky her vanity didn't get someone killed—Merlin was found on the ground, likely drained by the vampire knight before he went after Gwen.

Knew Lancelot swung both ways. Knew that one slayer a generation was a ridiculous idea, especially if they're all going to be dumb blondes. I'm going to find myself a nice brunette or redhead and start training her to hold a stake.

* * *

><p>I've had it with the #$ undead in my #!$ Camelot!<p>

Zombies, ghosts, and vampires, all in one week. Do we have a sign posted outside that says "Dracula family open house, we have cookies"?

At least this time it was just a harmless widdle boy. Poor baby was traumatized by his brutal and horrific murder, and by the druids using his grave as a laundry rack. All he need was a hug and a nice cup of tea.

Tried to kill the king? Pshah. Everyone in Camelot tries to kill the king sooner or later. It's practically a tradition around here, like weasel stomping day.

Why, I still remember the day I saw my very first royal assassination attempt. I was six years old and playing hopscotch when King Uther was making one of his surprise tax-collection visits. He saw a cat jump out of a window and land on its feet, and he screamed that it must by magic and tried to drown it in my grandmother's koi pond. Then the old lady next door rushed outside and tried to beat him to death with her handbag. Ah…good times.

* * *

><p>King Arthur's evil uncle becomes more evil every day. Today he killed someone in the middle of the castle, in broad view of two guards and one chambermaid.<p>

The guards didn't try to stop him because they thought he was just kidnapping the boy. Everyone knows that when someone is kidnapped in Camelot, the standard police procedure is to just stand around and do nothing.

* * *

><p>King Arthur went out hunting today. I thought this was good news, until I heard he spent the day hunting hapless rabbits and enchanted-women-turned-deer, instead of the undead. What is our king planning to do about the un-living monstrosities infesting our fair Camelot? The people want to know!<p>

If we weren't a monarchy, he'd be hearing about this next election.

* * *

><p>King met wealthy and beautiful princess, sold out part of his own kingdom just to get rid of her. It's official: he must be gay.<p>

Personally, I suspect he's pining after Lancelot. Sure, he claimed to be jealous over Gwen, but who can say? Lingering affection for his vampiric lover could also explain why he hasn't done anything about Camelot's little undead problem.

I mean, it's not like he's completely failed to notice that we've started staking and burning our dead, right?

* * *

><p>Agravaine finally booted his nephew off the throne: what a surprise. The real shocker was when it was revealed that he was actually planning to put Lady Morgana on the throne. An evil uncle who doesn't want to be king?<p>

I can't bring myself to believe it. He must be planning to betray her too. Otherwise, everything I know about the world is wrong!

* * *

><p>Wood worm problem in Camelot has gotten completely out of control. We had no choice but to set fire to the castle. With a little luck, King Arthur will blame his half-sister's invading army.<p>

* * *

><p>Word on the street has it that our dear king Arthur was spotted running around Camelot's forest in shorts. Shorts! Exposing his knees! Just thinking about it makes me drool a little.<p>

Luckily, we city folk have our eye-candy too. Last night we got to watch Sir Gwaine beat up a whole pack of ugly thugs. A maid slipped one of his opponents ten coppers to rip his shirt. Bow-chica-wow-wow!

* * *

><p>Burning the city clean of the wood worms had an unexpected bonus—we managed to chase out some of the undead that I just knew were lurking around. Zombies and vampires hate fire, and I got that lazy druid who keeps mooching food off me to give me a few charms to exorcise the ghosts. Guardsman Errol suggested we use pitchforks to drive them into Morgana's army. (They actually tried to make us give real money to the tax collectors! The nerve!)<p>

Total success. Army is gutted. Morgana hasn't noticed yet—and as long as she keeps up the shirtless Gwaine, I don't think anyone will bother to overthrow her.

* * *

><p>Sarah-Anne was out in the forest staking fleeing vampires, when she found a sword stuck in a stone. She got my half-cousin Stephen to magic it out for her and tried to pawn it at the tavern.<p>

I made her go and put it back. The sword clearly belongs to Merlin, she can't just take it and sell it.

* * *

><p>King Arthur returned to Camelot, bringing with him that maid Gwen he used to slip into the broom cupboard with. Did he leave his city during an invasion just to pick up chicks? Lucky all of us can take care of ourselves, or we'd be quite put out.<p>

Also, he had Merlin's sword with him. Those damn royals will steal anything that isn't nailed down.

* * *

><p>King Arthur retook Camelot today in a surprising display of competence. And he looks great in chainmail.<p>

Merlin, on the other hand, seems to have forgotten the basic rule for dealing with evil sorcerer/sorceresses: if there isn't a body, they aren't dead. Watch that come back to bite him.

Also, Lady Morgana seems to have forgotten that black is not her color.

* * *

><p>King Arthur and Gwen were married today, in the castle newly rebuilt from smoldering cinders of the last one. I couldn't stop crying.<p>

I mean, I lost five gold on that bet. And my rotten fifth cousin Marv got to keep all the money because no one thought Arthur would actually marry. Five gold! Wah! Wah!

* * *

><p>End of the year count:<p>

12 attempts on King Arthur's life

11 houses collapsed by the wood worms

10 tripping druids

9 daring swordfights

8 times Arthur snogged the maid

7 secret sorcerers

6 undead infestations

5 times Morgana tried to stab an unconscious person and missed

4 hot bachelor knights of the round table

3 people in Camelot who Merlin hasn't done magic in front of

2 actual supporters of Morgana for queen

And a partridge and a pear tree!

Merry Christmas to all, except for the undead abominations!


	5. Chapter 5

**Diary of an Ordinary Citizen of Camelot**

* * *

><p>Year Five (under insane troll time, of course)<p>

* * *

><p>Hot juicy rumor around town. Morgana has captured numerous Knights of Camelot (including the delectable Gwaine and the well-built Percival) and is keeping them in a secret underground cavern, <em>shirtless<em>. Her story is that they're mining for the key of all knowledge—but after spending what, three years, alone in frigid wasteland, it's no wonder she felt the need for some eye candy. We girls understand. I'm already packing my winter clothes.

* * *

><p>Myself and the other woman have taken up camp outside Morgana's tower. We even built our own small town. I know I need to get back to my shop—the orders of clothing are piling up—but then I get another peek of Gwaine without his shirt, and I just can't tear myself away.<p>

It was second cousin thrice removed Laurel who spotted King Arthur and his men coming our way. Naturally, we all ran to the woods and hid. How were we supposed to explain if someone recognized us, and asked what we were doing so far from Camelot and why we had so many binoculars?

Only the druids were left behind, because they were all stoned, of course. We didn't invite them, but any time anyone in Camelot is throwing a party, the druids show up. King Arthur thought they were dead and buried them, luckily in shallow enough graves that they were able to crawl out. Do any of the nobles in Camelot know how to take a pulse?

This might explain why none of them ever noticed the undead epidemic.

* * *

><p>Me and the girls are packing up to go home. Now that Arthur is here, he's bound to give Gwaine and the rest their shirts back (the spoilsport).<p>

The druid Albert came staggering over to our camp. He said that he might have babbled something to Arthur's servant Merlin about Arthur's Bane while under the influence, and caused a little panic.

Naturally, Albert felt terrible about this, and once he recovered from being buried alive by King Arthur, he went after the kid. But Merlin had already summoned his dragon friend, who confirmed Merlin's fears, so Albert didn't think it would do any good.

Merlin really needs to learn that if he keeps summoning Kilgharrah for every little thing, the dragon is going to have his revenge, in this case by playing along with Albert's little story. Dragons are not pets, and they're not known for their honesty either.

* * *

><p>My middle biggest brother Ted, who shares an interest with his sisters in shirtless knights if you know what I mean, was spying on Gwaine and his scrumptious pecs, when he spotted some sort of silver creature with an egg-shaped head who claimed to be the source of all knowledge.<p>

I told Ted to check and make sure that the druids' "special" tea leaves hadn't gotten into any of his food. Because frankly, what he was describing sounded just plain stupid.

* * *

><p>While the rest of us were trekking back to Camelot, Sarah-Anne decided that she wasn't done yet. She set out two rabbits and a rope trap in hopes of getting King Arthur caught by Morgana, who would then presumably take his shirt too.<p>

We're lucky no one was killed. Sarah Anne is terrible at setting traps; the last one beheaded an innocent bird, and she was trying to catch a rabbit. My second-oldest step aunt should have spanked that girl as a child.

* * *

><p>Rumor has it that Queen Guinevere's new servant is sneaking out to meet a lover in the woods. Let the betting begin.<p>

* * *

><p>My middle half-brother's fourth son Eric saw the servant Sefa meeting her father Ruadan in the woods. Everyone was in a tizzy and we were about to go alert the guard when sensible old second cousin John pointed out that Sefa was probably not in an incestuous affair with her own father. She was just spying on Camelot for him. Then we all calmed down and started taking bets on how long before she was caught.<p>

* * *

><p>The betting pot on Sefa's escape has gone terribly wrong. Absolutely no one bet that her father would die rescuing her. But how were we supposed to know that he would try to fight several knights at once with only his sword, and then wait until he got stabbed before using magic to escape? Why would he possibly do that? He could have used magic to escape from the beginning!<p>

Because no one won, Marv decided he is keeping all the money for himself, again. The rotter. This has happened too many times to tolerate. We took him to the court of crones, but he found an ancient statute and they were forced to rule in his favor.

I'm very tempted to gather some of the girls from my bridge-and-potions club and express our displeasure to Marv in a dark alley. But scumbag or not, he is family.

* * *

><p>The Knights are back in Camelot, and unfortunately covered by full-body armor. Gwaine is adorable when he's scruffy from long-term imprisonment. I just want to nibble on his earlobe.<p>

I won five copper on a bet that Morgana wouldn't manage to kill a single person. Of course, given the way she couldn't even kill Uther when she had him locked in her dungeon, I didn't get a very good return on my wager.

* * *

><p>Mordred, the newest Knight of the Round Table, stopped by the tavern today looking for advice. He told us all about how his years of therapy had allowed him to overcome his hatred for the Pendragons, and how his dream was to reconcile Arthur and Morgana as a loving brother and sister.<p>

Mordred saved Arthur's life, then he tried to gently persuade Morgana to see a psychiatrist, but he was forced to save Arthur from her again. Now he wanted to know if we could recommend a good shrink for Arthur to help him get over Uther's brainwashing against magic.

He is such a sweet boy. He's been through so much, and he's still full of kindness. I just want to ruffle his hair and bake him chocolate chip cookies.

* * *

><p>Bad news. King Arthur has somehow gotten his hands on a device that raises the dead.<p>

We all know who will be the first person who comes back from the dead will be: Uther "Unmissed and Unmourned" Pendragon.

Just when we'd finished ridding Camelot of the undead!

* * *

><p>Uther is haunting Camelot as a poltergeist. I called that one before he was even cold in the ground. Ten silvers to me, but in this case even money won't make me happy.<p>

He had just better not take over a new body. If Arthur tries to prop his father's corpse back on the throne, he's in for a surprise. We are not taking Uther back.

I made some fake documents that claim that Mordred is Arthur's bastard son, or Morgana's bastard son, or some variation thereof, as long as it makes him the rightful heir to the throne. First sign of Uther coming back and the Underground is going to revolt. If we put Mordred on the throne, then we can finally have a king who's already had therapy instead of desperately needing it.

* * *

><p>Three bathrooms. Five bedrooms. Two studies. Apple trees in the backyard and storage space in the attic. A state-of-the-art kitchen, a dining room that seats twenty, and my own hidden magic workroom in the basement. I am the proud owner of a new house!<p>

The court of crones ruled that Arthur banishing his father back to the afterlife was close enough to patricide for them. They were probably just bitter at Cousin Marv for the last case, but the bet I made when Arthur was just a little princeling has now paid off.

I knew that one day Arthur would finally notice his father's constant attempts to kill him. I'm rich! I apologize for any disloyalty I may have shown to Arthur in the past. He's the best king we ever had. I might even start telling him when I see an assassin headed his way.

What can I say, I'm easily bribed.

* * *

><p>Breaking news: beautiful princess visits Camelot! No bets necessary on whether she's involved in yet another plot to kill King Arthur.<p>

I should warn King Arthur, I really should. But interfering would invalidate my bet on who will discover that Morgana is disguised as a servant first.

Forgive me, Your Majesty. I am a weak, gambling-addicted woman.

* * *

><p>I caught little Marla hiding in a tree listening to a conversation between Physician Gauis and Arthur's servant Merlin. When I confronted her, she admitted this was one of the secrets to her gambling accuracy. Whenever Gaius talks to Merlin, he's always wrong. If he says the princess is just tired, then she's probably being threatened by her servant who is Morgana in disguise. If he tells Merlin not to do something, you could safely bet a 100 gold on Merlin doing just that.<p>

Most recently, Gaius has claimed that Mordred is not going to have something to do with Arthur's death. Marla says Arthur is now doomed. (Oddly enough, this does not work when Gaius is talking to anyone besides Merlin. You could ask him about the medicines when he's walking down the street, and he'd get it right.)

Marla offered to share more of Gaius' words of wisdom with me, but I couldn't possibly steal the success from my baby sister's littlest girl. Her secret is safe with me.

* * *

><p>Queen Guinevere is sneaking out of the castle at in the middle of the night. She's the only person left in Camelot who hasn't tried to kill Arthur at some point, so no need to bet on what is going on.<p>

* * *

><p>Gwen's first attempt to kill Arthur was laughingly obvious and easily avoided. There is only one person who is that terrible at killing the king. Ten silvers on Morgana.<p>

* * *

><p>I couldn't get Cousin Marv to take my bet. Even Gaius has noticed that Morgana is controlling Gwen. You can't get any more obvious than that.<p>

On another note, Merlin is in prison and it's _not_ for being a sorcerer. How clueless can the nobles of Camelot get?

* * *

><p>A druid boy came to Camelot looking for healing. Except why would he go to the Castle's physician when almost every household in Camelot has one witch or wizard in residence? This is very peculiar.<p>

Not nearly as interesting as a rumor started by Queen Gwen that Merlin has a girlfriend. Without us knowing? Unlikely.

* * *

><p>My father's middle aunt's seventh oldest step-grandchild Maxine (the one who ran off to the forest to shack up with a druid) dropped by the tavern with some odd news. She saw Merlin go into a cave and beat up an old woman. Shocking. I remember when he was such a nice boy…<p>

* * *

><p>Maxine came by for bridge and she mentioned that Merlin had been spotted in the mountains, cross-dressing. He's clearly going through a rebellious phase. I blame lack of responsible role models in his life.<p>

* * *

><p>Little Marla won 5 gold betting that Finna would turn out to be working for Alator not Morgana, and that Merlin would go looking for her. She says the Gaius Curse continues. I'm the only one who knows what that means.<p>

On another note, why are people so fired up about whether Morgana learns who Emrys is? She's been trying to kill Arthur, and Uther before him, for _years_ and failed miserably at every turn. What do they think she's going do to Emrys, monologue him to death?

* * *

><p>Oooooh, my aching head! What is in that potion I drank last night?<p>

Crap.

What was in that potion I drank _a week ago_?

* * *

><p>Very, very bad news. While I and the other members of the bridge-and-potions club spent a week laid up with a purple unicorn hangover, thanks to dear second cousin once removed Maud's bad batch of potions, disaster struck Camelot.<p>

First, one of our druid foreign exchange students got involved with a radical political party. You know how young sorcery students can be, all up in arms about their rights and freedom from the police state. This little firebrand managed to get caught by the Knights of Camelot in between dating one of them (Mordred).

There's no denying that the girl went too far. But the real problem here is that King Arthur thinks the only way to stop someone from being dangerous is to execute them. I suppose if someone stole a loaf of bread, he'd have to decide between killing them or letting them go? What does he think his prison cells are for?

In the past, the Underground has managed to subtly interfere with the nobility's excesses. But this time, our best sorcerers were down and out for the count until it was too late. This time, Camelot is going to face consequences.

* * *

><p>Mordred's therapist stopped by the tavern, said that he missed his last appointment. Uh oh.<p>

* * *

><p>Morgana found a way to disable our magic. Shit just got real.<p>

* * *

><p>Morgana's army outnumbers Camelot's. How did that happen? Arthur is the king, he can draft people. Morgana doesn't even have any money, how is she paying her soldiers? Did she raise an army of women who want to see her take off Gwaine's shirt again?<p>

* * *

><p>Merlin has run off with Gwaine. Arthur clearly lost out on that love triangle.<p>

No one collected any money. We're too depressed to even bet on Arthur's love life.

* * *

><p>Marla placed ten gold down that Merlin will save Camelot.<p>

We're all doomed. _Doomed_.

* * *

><p>Camelot still stands. But our King has fallen.<p>

So many have been lost. Gwaine and Mordred are dead, and Merlin is missing. Arthur slumbers at Avalon, waiting for the day when his country needs him.

If only we had been kinder to Arthur when we had the chance. We should never have stolen his belongings, taken bets on his love life, and ignored assassination attempts. If everyone had been more honest with him about our magic, maybe we could have prevented this tragedy.

…I bet five gold that Arthur is back next week. Camelot seems to need saving on a regular basis, after all.

* * *

><p><em>Epilogue:<em>

Merlin's heart pounded in his chest as he stumbled away from Avalon. It was _just like_ Arthur to start demanding breakfast the instant he was awake. Merlin should have known, and had a feast prepared.

Avalon was not the kind of island that just anyone could find. So Merlin had no idea what to make of the sight of three people dressed in modern clothes, waving frantically. The first was an old woman with one eye. The second was a bulky bald man. The third was a prettily androgynous teenager.

"When did he wake up?" the old woman demanded, waving her cane at Merlin.

Merlin said, "You mean Arthur?"

"Of course! Was it before or after midnight? This is very important!"

Merlin demanded, "Why do you want to know? Who are you?"

The trio exchanged looks. The teenager said, "We're descendants of the citizens of Camelot, loyally waiting our King's return."

Merlin had hid his magic for enough years to recognize bullshit when he heard it. "Why are you really here?"

The bald man admitted, "We might have possibly made a bet that needs settling about when King Arthur will wake up."

Merlin exclaimed, "A bet? You're here on a bet?"

The teenager said, "Our ancestors started it."

The one-eyed old woman said, "It seems that after King Arthur entered his slumber, people grossly underestimated how long he would remain asleep. No one betted on longer than a year. But according to my many times great grandmother's diary-" she waved a book in the air "-if they had called off the bet than someone named 'Cousin Marv' would have kept all the money, which was unacceptable. So the court of crones ruled that bets on Arthur's resurrection would be passed on to the descendants, who would be able to make a new guess."

The bald man said, "It started as a little fun at the tavern. A few coins here and there. But it's been over a thousand years, and now those coins are _each_ worth millions to a collector."

"To say nothing of the interest," the woman added.

The teenager said, "The real money is from the objects people threw in. It was a joke at first, adding granny's rocking chair to that silly bet we inherited from grandpa, but now all the items are antiques. Also, people bet magical potions and devices, and you know how much rarer magic has become these days."

The one-eyed woman said, "We estimate the entire pot is worth $2.6 billion in US currency. Give or take $10 million."

Merlin couldn't believe his ears. "You people bet over two billion dollars on when Arthur would come back? What is wrong with you?"

The three exchanged sheepish glances. The woman said, "We're just ordinary citizens of Camelot."

* * *

><p><em>The End<em>


End file.
